Parenting- The stress free way

Here are some real-life examples of what parents we have worked with have said.

Do any of these resonate with you?

"When I'm angry, I usually just respond. Sometimes my instincts are correct, and other times I am just as immature as he is. If my son behaved like me, I'd put him in time out."

"I've been informed what I shouldn't do, such as slap or yell. But I'm at a loss on what to do besides scare her with repercussions and put her in time out."

"My hubby and I don't agree on everything. I think he's too harsh and stiff, and he thinks I'm too soft, so we end up being very inconsistent and upset with each other."

"I'm tired of the homework battles. We both become so angry at each other, and things never get better."

Do any of these statements ring a bell? Many parents go through these same issues.

How to respond to inappropriate behaviour as a parent

Prior to responding to inappropriate behaviour, pause to consider these
three simple questions:

1. Why did my child behave in this manner?

In our anger, our response may be "Because he's a spoilt brat!" or "Because he's attempting to test me"

However, when we approach the behaviour with curiosity rather than our negative preconceptions, delving further into the reasons behind a particular misbehaviour, we can frequently understand that our child was attempting to express or do something but was unable to correctly deal with it. If we comprehend this, we can empower ourselves to Effectively—and compassionately—respond.

2. What lesson am I hoping to convey in this instance?

The purpose of discipline is not to impose a penalty. We aim to teach lessons it's about self-control, the value of giving, or acting properly.

3. How can I teach this lesson most effectively?

Taking into account a child's age and developmental stage, as well as the context of the circumstance (did he realise the bullhorn was on before raising it to the dog's ear? ), how can we most effectively communicate our message?

Too frequently, we respond to misbehaviour as though the purpose of discipline is to impose consequences.

Occasionally, natural consequences follow a child's choices, and the lesson is delivered without our intervention for example, jumping on the bed and falling over and hurting themselves.

However, there are frequently more effective and compassionate ways to help our children understand what we're communicating than quickly handing down a one-size-fits-all approach.

Addressing the Why, What and How's

By addressing the Why, What and How's in situations of misbehaviour, when our children do something we don't approve of, we can more readily leave our automatic autopilot mode and stop exhibit the go to behaviour we have always known.

This means we will be much more likely to respond in a way that is effective in correcting the behaviour in the short term while also providing more important, long-lasting life lessons.

We will now consider how the Why's, What and How's might help us respond to a four-year-old who hits you in the face when you're busy sending an email.

Alternative ways to respond

When you hear the smack and feel the pain on your back, it may take some time for you to regain your calm and refrain from reacting. It is not always simple, is it? Why is this?

Our brains are wired to see physical discomfort as a danger.

This triggers the brain areas responsible for our increased responsiveness to danger and moves us into the "Fight" or "flight" mode.

As a result, it occasionally requires some considerable effort, control, and practise to handle the situation in a calm manner.

When confronted with a threat, we must overcome our primitive reactive brain when this occurs. Not simple eh. (By the way, this becomes significantly more difficult to accomplish if we're exhausted, hungry, overwhelmed, or incapable of concentrating.)

This delay between reactive and responsive behaviour is referred to as the
beginning of parental choice, intention, and skilfulness.

Therefore, you want to attempt to pause and ask the three questions to yourself. Then you will be able to see much more clearly the results of your interaction with your child.

Each circumstance is unique and depends on a variety of specific features, but the solutions to the questions we looked at previously might look like this:

1. Why did my child behave in this manner? He struck you because he needed your attention and wasn't receiving it. That sounds fairly common for a
four-year-old? Is it nice? Not at all.

In terms of development is it appropriate? Without a doubt. Waiting or practicing deferred gratification is difficult for a child at this age, and as their emotions increases it expands the issue. The child is not yet of an age where they can calm themselves adequately or quickly enough to keep him from acting out.

"Mom, I'm frustrated that you're requesting that I continue waiting, and I'm having a strong, desire to hit you right now—but I have chosen not to and am instead using my own words.” You wish it could happen like this. (That would be quite amusing.)


At that point, your child's default method of expressing his rage is through hitting. He is frustrated and impatient, and he requires some time learning
skill-building exercises that teach how to deal with both delays and interruptions
pleasure and the proper management of rage. That is why he hit you.

That appears to be a lot less personal statement, doesn't it?

Generally, our children do not strike out at us because they are impolite or because we are failures as parents. They frequently lash out because they lack the capacity to control their emotional states and impulses.

They actually feel secure enough with us to know they will not lose our affection, even when they are at their most vile. Indeed, when a four-year-old does not hit and always acts "wonderful," we will have concerns regarding the child's parent-child relationship. When children are young and are closely attached to their parents, they feel a sense of security that allows them to explore the relationship. In other words, the misbehaviour of your child is often, a sign of his confidence and security in your company.

Parents usually notice that their children "save everything for them for example,
they behave significantly better at school or with other adults than they do at home.

These flare-ups are frequently indicators of security and trust, rather than

than a simple act of defiance.



2. What lesson am I attempting to teach in this instance?

You are not trying to teach that bad behaviour is punishable, but that there are better alternatives and more effective means of capturing your attention and containing rage than committing acts of violence. You want them to understand that hitting is not acceptable and that there are numerous methods to show his feelings.


3. How can I teach this lesson most effectively?

While giving them a time-out or some other unrelated outcome
consider your actions the next time you strike; there is a better way as an alternative.

What if you made a connection with him by drawing him closer to you and communicating to him that he has your undivided attention?

Then you will could acknowledge his emotions and use it as an example of how to communicate certain emotions: "Waiting is difficult. You truly want me to play with you, and you're upset that I'm in front of the computer. Is that correct?"

Almost certainly, you will receive an angry "Yes!" as a response. That is not necessarily a bad thing; he will be aware that he has your attention. And you will have his as well.

You can now speak with him and, as he calms down and improves and is more
capable of listening and establishing eye contact, and emphasising that hitting is never the correct response. You could also use this time to discuss some possible alternatives—such as expressing his annoyance with words—the next time he needs your attention.

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